Saturday, September 28, 2013

The Story of ex-Muslim

"Leaving Islam is the greatest challenge to a Muslim".

Born and raised as a Muslim I had studied deep into religion. Muslims want to implement a seventh century system caled khilafa which did not even last for 30 years and three out of four ruler were killed by followers of each others. Muslims are not tolerant and are not open to ideas and a better system we have been brained washed into thinking that we are the only ones right on planet.

I started doubting religion sometime when I a was 17 years old.I was constantly worried that I was losing my faith (and for good reason cause I questioned everything!). I still had some faith going into college, but it was dwindling. I started considering myself as an agnostic. People who leave Islam usually do it because they had some bad experience with it, real-life experience. I have seen it destroy too many people, particularly women. I find it so interesting that Muslims cannot accept that people leave Islam. Something finally hit me and I decided that I was an atheist. The reality is that I really don’t care either way.

My philosophy is to live and let live. We don’t need an organized religion or a book telling us to be good. Good morals are something that we should be able to teach ourselves. I don’t know if god exists, nor do I go around saying that he doesn’t. I just choose to trust in science and the facts laid out before me. I won’t however go around questioning other peoples faith. That is not my place to do so.

First several weeks, there have been days when I’ve walked around with pure rage beating at my chest. I’m angry at myself for falling for an ideology that is so against my very nature. I’m angry at myself for burying my doubts under the curtain of denial and apologia. And so started a depression that would last almost 2 years. I could not allow myself to believe that Christians and unbelievers would go to hell, I kept telling myself 'No!, this can't be true!' And then I would hear the translation of the Quran and that would confirm my fears, I would cry every night, and I began to self harm. I cut myself and then proceeded to hit myself anywhere I could with a closed fist. I almost became suicidal, the only thing keeping me from it was probably the fact that I was scared and then people who commit suicide apparently will suffer in hell for eternity.I began doing this thing, I can't really explain it but I would put pressure on my chest, by squeezing my muscles when I was really hysteric in order to try and stop my heart from working, I often felt I was losing it, I lost all will to live. I would sometimes open the Quran translation and read it, and I couldn't get far because of how often God seemed to mention hell, and punishment. It was like this God of mine, was obsessed with punishment. All these years I was generally taken to a Muslim psychologist, and nothing ever changed, all my problems were still there.

At around the age of 19 I went to see a Christian psychologist and that's when my world began to turn around, he questioned everything and allowed me to feel safe in questioning, I allowed myself to feel angry to God for the first time, and found that that pent up anger was ruining me from the inside. I voiced my pain and I began to heal. Ever since then a whole new way of thought opened to me. I felt the bondage's of Islam loosen it's hold on me, and it was liberating, I have let them fall altogether, and I feel like a new person. Although no one yet knows, I have stopped praying but have chosen to be a humanist, but I still do however believe in God, not because of Islam, but because I found God myself. I may be an atheist, but I guarantee you that I donate money to charity as often as I can. I will buy lunch for a homeless man when I am able. I will go out of my way to help a stranger who is having car trouble in the middle of the road. But those people who represent Muslims will not.